So I mailed a package to Dave Portnoy last week. I paid extra and did everything I could to make sure it would arrive last Saturday. Unfortunately due to the united states postal service, the package was delayed until Monday. Not ideal, especially after I saw this tweet:
Not a good sign to see the person who you’re sending a package to going into a private jet. I was left wondering where he could be going. Then my question was answered:
Great. So I knew the package would arrive but he would also not be there to receive it. I don’t know if he had a house sitter or anyone designated to get his mail or anything. To be honest Dave seems like the kinda guy who doesn’t check the mail ever. So that is probably not high on his list or priorities. So the package arrived on Monday and that is where my imagination began to run wild with the possibilities of what happened to the package. What if the mailman also knew he was in Philly? The mailman could have easily said the package was delivered and then brought it home himself. The package included a bottle of Sancerre and four pre-rolled joints. My first girlfriend’s mom was a letter carrier and she would come home every day on her lunch break and smoke a joint and rip down some nips. So from what I know about letter carrier’s they would really enjoy the package. He or she would have downed the bottle of wine that night but they’re still working through the joints. I would assume the Nantucket mailmen are on the older side so this is probably some of the best weed he has smoked in his life. It is probably the first time he has ever seen weed packaged this way too
I sent four joints so he’s probably 2 down and started the 3rd on his lunch break today. We will never find out if it was the mailman that took the package. The mailman would never say anything. So that may be one reason why Dave hasn’t mentioned this package.
Another possibility is that someone stole his package off his front porch. I picture the person who would have done something like this to be between the ages of 17-20. I imagine the perpetrator was probably with his friends and were exploring the beauty of Nantucket. I imagine them smoking a blunt or drinking some busch lights during this car ride as well. Maybe both.
“Let’s take a ride by El Pres’s house!” one of them says
“Good idea! He’s not there he went to Philly for Pizza!” another replied.
So they venture off to the address they saw someone reply to one of his tweets with (that is how I got the address). When they arrive they notice that nobody is home but they see a package on his front porch. The package is packed very tight and looks very intriguing. Hell, even just recently El Pres posted a video of a package he received.
“I could go for a bag of gummy dicks!” one of them says.
So they go to open the package hoping for some gummies or another novelty item. Instead they find a bottle of wine and four joints.
“Jackpot!” one of them says.
“Does anyone know how to open this thing?” says another
From there they head to the beach. In the package there is weed, alcohol and reading materials that will end up being used as kindling. It’s the perfect night for a bonfire and they just got a package with everything they need. So they head to the beach and throw a bonfire. Bragging to their off-island friends about how they stole a package from El Pres and got the best weed they’ve ever smoked. It’s the best wine they’ve ever had too but their palette’s are not developed enough to know that yet. They end up smoking all the weed and drinking all the wine that night. They look back on it for years to come as one of their ‘epic Nantucket nights’. They talk about it for years to come, adding new details to the story every time one of their friends who is too poor to vacation on Nantucket asks.
Another scenario (and the one I am hoping for) is that Dave has not even seen the package yet. As a rich person, Dave never even checks his mail as we alluded to earlier. His front porch is also seldom used as he regularly uses the side door to get in and out of the house. Therefore he never even looks at the front porch. There may be even more packages than just mine piling up in front of his house. Nobody steals the packages because Dave lives in a safe neighborhood. Dave then ends up seeing the headline to this article on the internet and realizes he hasn’t checked his front porch since he arrived back from Philadelphia. He goes out to see the one package there. He brings the package inside and begins opening it. He opens the card and reads the heartfelt message inside. He brings out the bag containing the bottle of wine. He notices the festive pizza regalia on the bag.
“On brand” he thinks to himself.
Then he takes the wine out of the bag. He notices it is his favorite kind of wine, a Sancerre. Also in the bag are four pre-rolled joints. It is MHOC month after all.
“This is awesome!” Dave says to himself
He continues to retrieve the items in the package. The next thing he sees is the script to Space Jam 2. He opens it and begins reading.
“This isn’t bad” he thinks to himself.
He pours himself a glass of Sancerre and heads outside. While outside he lights up a joint and continues reading the script.
“Who is this guy? This is the type of content we need to have on Barstool Sports” he says to himself.
He finishes reading the script and then looks for ‘The Gambling Man’ on the internet. He ends up getting in contact with me and I give him my number. He calls me to talk about business.
“So I like your blogs. I think you have a lot of potential. You have one of the really weird brains that I like Barstool people to have. I want to bring you on but you have to do more. If you can prove that you can do that we can talk about full time after that” Dave says
“Ok sounds good I can do that” I say
“So what are you doing now anyways?” Dave asks
“I’m currently working two jobs and I blog when I have time in between work or after work.” I tell him.
“Ok and I’m assuming you’re blogging from home and work?” Dave asks
“Well somewhat yes. I blog at one of my jobs when I can and then I will usually go to a Starbucks or their parking lot to get wi-fi” I tell him.
“Why don’t you have internet at home?” Dave asks me.
“Well I kinda live in my car so I don’t really have a place to get internet other than at Starbucks” I tell him.
“What does that mean you kinda live in your car? Do you live in your car?” Dave asks me.
“Yeah basically” I tell him.
Instantly Dave’s big brain begins turning as he thinks to himself;
“This guy has a ton of potential and he’s been blogging from his car and working two jobs. If I bring him on full time right away we can have a rags to riches story. People will call me ‘Dave Portnoy savior of the homeless!’ and it will be more good press for the brand. If he ends up exceeding his expectations I look like even more of a genius. Literally taking someone off the streets and turning him into a super star. He calls himself ‘The Gambling Man’ and I am willing to take a gamble on him.”
“Alright so why don’t we bring you on full time?” he says.
“For real?” I say back trying to hold in my excitement.
“Yeah we’ll give you a 6 month contract and go from there. So you have all the opportunity to make something of yourself. And with football season coming up you better get to work because I got killed last year. I need winners” he tells me
“Absolutely I will not let you down” I respond
The conversation ends and my life begins to change. It is not long before I am flown out to New York to officially sign my contract and become part of the Barstool team. Football season begins. Throughout the season I give Dave, the Barstool readers and the Sports Advisors viewers so many NFL winners that my contract essentially pays for itself. I am signed to a longer deal and become a regular contributor to the blog as well as another asset in the Barstool Gambling community. Barstool does so well it is re-bought at a price in the billions. Dave finally looks at his bank account and feels he has enough money to retire. He buys a home in Boston that is definitely way too expensive for Ryan Whitney. He continues to spend his vacation time on Nantucket Island where he was bought two more houses, so he could officially say he alone owned 2 houses in Nantucket. Dave lived out his remaining years as the King of Boston and Nantucket, where he was worshipped like a 3rd world dictator.
Back to reality, the most likely scenario that unfolded is this;
As I mentioned before, Dave is a rich guy. Rich people always have stuff sent to them for free and that counts especially for Dave since he also has a lot of influence. If Dave says something good about you, like he likes your product, it makes a huge difference. Example A:
So as a rich guy with a lot of influence people probably send him a bunch of stuff. He probably opened my package with a bunch of others like it was Christmas morning. Kept all the good stuff he could use, like the wine and joints and then just threw the rest away. “No free ads” is Daves motto and he takes it seriously. He has delivered way too many papers to just be giving people unpaid for attention on his platform. As $20 Chef would say, “you’ve gotta earn it” or in this case pay for it. So he may have never even noticed what I sent him. I will honestly never know whether or not he got it but I had to try to get his attention somehow.