The Lasagna Love Story

 

Have you ever watched gordon ramsay cooking videos when you’re high? i do it all the time. i love them. I always wondered if he knew when he was making these videos that people were just going to be getting high and watching him make different foods and then there was one moment that I knew that he knew. That moment came when he was making a pasta dish and instead of using regular pasta he used lasagna. and that is such a stoner move. to go to cook pasta and only have lasagna left so you use that instead of the regular pasta.

the only reason the stoner has lasagna in his cupboard is because he went to the grocery store high bought lasagna that he was gonna make when he got home. But when he got home he was so hungry that he just started eating everything he unpacked. so first it was the cheetos then the chips and salsa. then some oreos dipped in almond milk. He went with almond milk because it’s healthier than regular milk and doesn’t make him feel as bloated. By the time He got down to the Lasagna at the bottom of the bag he was full and unmotivated to make a lasagna. I mean what a grandiose production that is.

“Never in “my right mind would I ever think I want to make a lasagna ever,” he thought.

But he wasn’t in my right mind. He was high and hungry and trying to impress his girlfriend. As the night went on he used the ground beef and tomatoes that were meant for the lasagna, to make tacos, which he served to his girlfriend with the leftover chips and salsa. He of course first dumped the chips into a bowl and while the last crumbs of the chips were falling in he realized he had nearly ate the whole bag when he got home high. There was still enough salsa to fill a small paper bowl. He brought them out to the table.

“I bought mexican cheese by accident and forgot the mozzarella,” he said “so I’ll get the right stuff and I can make lasagna next time.”

Little did he know there would not be a next time to make lasagna.

This happened after forgetting he promised to make his grandmas famous lasagna for her earlier in the day. He was never given his grandmas recipe as he couldn’t speak Italian. The truth is when he was a kid she would just get mad at him for being in the kitchen. He was a useless klutz that would always get in the way and mess things up. So he was googled a lasagna recipe to find the ingredients but was distracted at the grocery store by a sale on mini powdered donuts. The taste of the white sugar filling his mouth was enough to make him begin salivating.

“I need to get these” he thought

He thought about opening the package to have some while he was in the store. “It’s ok since I’m paying for them right?”

As he walked up to the powdered donuts his path was interrupted by a woman walking by. She had an athletic figure that he found attractive. The kind you don’t get from eating mini powdered donuts.  He immediately felt shamed not only into not picking up the donuts and just pretending he was walking by as well. He saw that she was getting almond milk and then he approached her, “do you go with the regular almond milk? me myself I like the almond coconut blend,” he said awkwardly and unconfidently with his eyes almost closed.

“yeah” she quipped back as she walked away as quickly as she could without her walk becoming a jog.

“What an idiot I am” he thought. “why would I ever try to start a conversation with a complete stranger? that’s psycho shit.”

He continued his shopping, going the opposite way as the woman who he had spoken with. There he saw ground beef remembering he had some taco shells somewhere in his pantry. “I’ll grab those with some chips and salsa that sounds bomb” he thought as he completely forgot about the lasagna he already had buried in his cart.

Over the course of their short 3 month relationship his girlfriend had grew tired of his lifestyle. Her boyfriend was always tired, unmotivated and he had noticeably began to let himself go. She was planning to break up with him but was giving him one last chance with the lasagna. She knew when he was motivated he was a very good cook. But she soon realized he cooked a lot of the same meals over and over again and she grew tired of them. She wanted something new, she wanted to go out, she wanted to have fun. He always wanted to stay in, order take out or delivery and get high. So they each did their own thing at times and hung out with each other when they could. She didn’t think the relationship would last because it seemed like they had so little in common other than physical attraction. Now that he was letting himself go she was losing that too. But one other thing she loved was lasagna.

He had mentioned his grandmas delicious lasagna recipe and how she taught it to him and he would make it for her one day. That day had come and she was very excited for lasagna. When she came in and learned he was instead making tacos she was very disappointed. But she was still hungry so she figured she would stay and eat a free meal and drink some wine. Tacos are still very delicious but he did not understand just how important lasagna was to her. Then she was served the aforementioned bag of tortilla chips and most of what was left was just the crumbs. Then as he began making the taco shells she noticed that box that had been in his cupboard since she knew him. They hadn’t been open but how long had they been in there?

“Do those go stale?” she thought to herself.

All of these things just furthered her dissapointment. When they met she told him that she loves tacos but she loves authentic mexican style tacos more. Tacos filled with meant and topped with cilantro and white onions only.  She remembers his response

“I don’t really like onions or cilantro, well I do …” blah blah blah just trying to say he likes something so we would have it in common.

But of course he ended it with “I can make really good tacos. I don’t use the taco seasoning but I use the taco shells”.

“Cool” she responded

“you’re basic af” she thought.

There was an awkward pause.

“well … you’ll have to make me tacos sometime too then” she responded.

“Ok sounds good but definitely lasagna first!” he replied.

She was so surprised he remembered that she told him lasagna is her favorite food. This happened earlier in the night while she was ordering dinner.

“Ooh I love lasagna! lasagna is my favorite food but I can’t get it on a first date. It just means too much to me and it NEEDS to be GOOD lasagna” she said

yeah lasagnas really good, have you tried the lasagna at the olive garden? …”

She doesn’t remember what was said right after that. It was forgivable since she thought it was so cute he remembered lasagna is her favorite food later in the night.

As he was assembling the tacos he noticed he had missed several key items like lettuce, onions, and sour cream. He was not making authentic tacos after all. But he only had tomatoes, cheese and salsa. But then an idea popped up in his head. He built the tacos with the tomatoes and salsa only and served them.

“here are your tacos, authentic mexican style!” he said excitedly thinking he had the correct ingredients and not realizing he was way off.

“thanks” she said as she looked down confused.

Her feelings at this point had been slightly subdued by a glass and a half of red wine. This did a number on her since she didn’t have much to eat before the chips and salsa. So she began to eat the tacos. They weren’t terrible by any means but they weren’t life changing. As she sat and ate her basic tacos she knew she would break up with him that night. Not at that very instant though. She was going to wait for him to get full off his “authentic mexican tacos” and have a couple glasses of red himself. She was going to wait for him to be nice and tired and ready to sleep. She even thought about having sex with him but she didn’t want to be that nice. She wasn’t able to get into it as much now that he let himself go. And definitely not after the disappointing meal she just had. No her plans were to break up with him and then get food on her way home. Hopefully something good will still be open. She looked at her phone to check the time. It was 7:53.

She didn’t have much time. There was a place in this neighborhood she liked but they closed at 9 and she didn’t want to go in right when they were closing. She had to do this quickly so she could leave in time to call in her order and not feel like the asshole ordering food right before a place closes.

“I’m not happy, This isn’t working” she said as he stood there flabbergasted.

“Babe why? What’s wrong”

His immediate reaction was to try to hug her and kiss her.

“No no no no NO!” she said as she pulled away. “You just don’t get it! Lasagna is very important to me ok? I know your great grandma made lasagna but so did mine! And she passed it down to my great grandma who passed it down to my grandma who passed it down to my mom! Lasagna has been a tradition in our family for generations. But our recipe was so good it was never written. The key to keeping it within the family was by only talking about it.”

“What the fuck is she talking about” he thought to himself as she continued

“It is a tradition in our family that the mothers teach the daughters how to make lasagna on their 18th birthday to welcome them into womanhood. ‘If you want to find a great husband you must be able to make a great lasagna!’ is what my mother always preached to us. Then 3 days before my 18th birthday my mother died in a hot air balloon accident that she took me on as an early birthday present!”

“Babe why didn’t you ever tell me”

“Because you wouldn’t understand! My mom brought me on a hot air balloon ride because it was the one thing I wanted for my 18th birthday. She scheduled it a couple days before because the weather said it would rain on my birthday.

’it’s a little bit windy but we should be alright’ the hot air balloon guide said.

But we weren’t alright. Not longer than 5 minutes into being in the air a gust of wind came and blew the fire into the balloon. The balloon material caught on fire so quickly nobody could do anything. Some people’s clothes had got caught in the flame and they began to burn but had nowhere to stop drop and roll. A couple people jumped out of the basket. Then the basket began to fall as the balloon continued burning. Somehow I was able to fin an area that was completely out of the fire but I was the only one to be so lucky. As I fell to the ground I noticed fire and smoke everywhere around me. It was like I couldn’t escape the flames. All I could hear was screaming. Then I heard the shrieks my mom let out.

“Help, help!’ she screamed.

I could tell she was close but I could not see her. The flames were too high and the smoke was too thick. ‘Mom I’m over here’ I tried to direct her to me. She continued to yell but there was nothing I could do but yell to her. Then she appeared out of the wreckage. It was my mom but it looked nothing like her. She looked nothing like the woman I had grown up to know. Her clothes were tattered and she was burned everywhere. In her last moments she laid in my arms and looked at me. I tried to tell her everything was ok but I knew it wasn’t and she knew it wasn’t. Then the moment came when she knew she was about to die. We looked into each other’s eyes as she summoned enough strength to say something before passing on. ‘I’m sorry I never could teach you how to make lasagna’ she said as her whole body went limp. She died in my arms as I screamed. I couldn’t believe it was happening.”

“Babe I’m so sor-”

“PLEASE don’t call me babe. Back to what I was saying, I was never able to learn the lasagna recipe that was supposed to find me a husband. When you told me you had your great grandmas lasagna recipe I thought it was meant to be. That since I wasn’t able to impress a man with my family’s lasagna recipe that I met a man that would impress me with his. The lasagna meant everything to me! To some people lasagna is just a heavy pasta dish that they eat once in a while. People eat a few bites of it and then think to themselves “why did i get this? it is so heavy. Im already full’ but that is not me! Lasagna is very important to me and for you to just ‘forget’ the right cheese is just absurd. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t take lasagna as seriously as I do”

“Babe I’m sorry give me another chance I promise my great grandma’s lasagna recipe is great”

“No. I looked through your phone and I saw that you were googling a lasagna recipe.”

“you looked through my phone?!?”

“Yeah i did! I take lasagna seriously. Do I look like some sort of joke to you?

“No babe you do-“

“How could you lie to me about your great grandmas lasagna recipe? Do you not think I wouldn’t notice the difference between a recipe from google and one from your great grandma”

“Babe I’m sorry thats why I went with tacos-“

“I don’t WANT tacos. I WANTED lasagna and you fucked that up so now I’m still hungry. So I’m leaving. I’m sorry but this is over.”

She began walking towards the door

“No babe please don’t go” he said as he went to cut her off.

“Don’t call me babe just let me go. Please it’s 8:19 and I want to get food from that place before they close at 9.”

“I have some cheetos and oreos if you want”

She turned her head and squinted her eyes.Staring at him with a look of “what a fucking idiot” and then said “Bye”

She walked out of his apartment and into the hallway and he never saw her again. Since that day he has not even thought about eating lasagna. Even though he wasn’t involved the memory of lasagna always brings back the painful memories oh his ex’s story of her dying mother and her subsequently breaking up with him.

Years later the day came where he found himself watching Gordon Ramsay cooking videos. His cooking skills had vastly improved in this time frame, with much of the credit going to Gordon Ramsay himself. His girlfriend texted him “what do you wanna do for dinner” It was at that time he saw Gordon Ramsay making a pasta dish using lasagna and the wheels began to turn.

“I have a delicious idea!” he texted back.

He took a hit of his bong and then his phone began ringing. It was his girlfriend.

“Hey Babe!” he answered

“Babe what’s your delicious idea?” she replied

“You’ll see. I have to go to the grocery store. I love you”

He hung up the phone and then prepared another bong hit. He began nervously debating his own conscience.

“Should I smoke more? I already took one hit.”

“Take another one! What’s the worst that can happen while you’re high at the grocery store”

So he took another hit. Then he went to the grocery store while he was high to get the ingredients to make a meal to for him and his girlfriend. But he already had the lasagna so that’s one less thing to worry about.

 

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